It's a fair question and I've had inumerable discussions with vanilla friends, experienced lifestylers, fetish enthusiasts and curious newbies on this topic. And anyone in the Life, whether as a lifestyler, fetishist or merely a fan a kinky sex, has had to work out for themselves their own definition of that phrase along with it's flip-side -- what does it mean to be a dominant man? Because as with so many things it means different things to different people.
A submissive is not necessarily a masochist. Nor is she by definition a sexual libertine or bi-, pan- or omni-sexual. "Submissive" is not synonymous with "passive." A woman who chooses to submit to her partner does not do so because she is unable to take care of herself or so lacking in self-esteem that she has no sense of self-identity (although our world is well-populated with those sad individuals, just as the ranks of would-be "dominants" are sadly riddled with abusers and misogynists). A sexual submissive isn't the same thing as being a lifestyle submissive, just as a lifestyle submissive can be something different than a slave. It's a big wide world out there and there's room in the tent for just about everyone.
I believe that it is the natural state of a woman to submit to her man. She is never without choice. It is her choice whether to submit and to what degree; she picks the man. But once those parameters are set they become the bedrock principles that govern the relationship. Those parts of herself, once given freely to her Master, no longer belong to her. An “irrevocable assignment,” as a lawyer might call it. Without her Master’s subsequent consent they will not be given back and a true Dominant would think long and hard before starting down that slippery slope of “Oh, since you’ve changed your mind it’s ok.”
If she changes her mind, she is always free to leave the relationship. It is a bedrock rule that release – the ultimate safeword, if you will – is complete and when requested always given. A true Dominant is not a stalker; that would be so . . . un-Dom-ly.
My definition of a submissive is actually that of a woman extraordinarily self-aware of who she is and what makes her happy and confident enough to find her bliss. She is most decidedly not a doormat. The most genuinely submissive women I've known -- and I mean this in a lifestyle context -- have been very Type A out in the vanilla world, the type of women who get frustrated because they keep getting approached by submissive men wanting to serve. I have an operating theory that if you scratch beneath the surface of many female executives, lawyers, judges, you will find a woman who is submissive at home. (It's an inexact and unscientific theory, to be sure, and it's not like I spend a lot time at chamber of commerce functions seeking out "alpha" females and bending them over conference room tables; but it's a fun thought).
Those are the submissive women that I look for. If a woman's submission is a gift given to her Dominant (and it is) then we define the value of that gift by who she is in the vanilla world. She is a woman with a secret and a side that she probably keeps hidden from her family, friends and co-workers, that most people who know her would think is incompatible with the "face" that she presents to the rest of world. They see a woman who is attractive, funny and intelligent. To them she is assertive, confident, every element of her world properly ordered and in its appropriate place. A woman on top, so to speak.
But there's another part of her that they don't see; it’s who she is when she comes home and throws away her Blackberry and strips off her suit and heels. (Well, sometimes she leaves the heels on). She has an inner knowledge that it's a woman's place to be dominated by a man, to spend her private time at His pleasure, secure in the knowledge of her place at His feet, cared for and nurtured and waiting for His touch and command. To find the soft landing at the end of her day. A day spent succeeding out in the world to make Him proud because that, too, is a part of what it means to be submissive.
It is the contrast that makes the gift of her submission so valuable and the knowledge that I have the "true" girl -- naked, vulnerable, all barriers stripped away -- when she gets home
~mmmmmm...I could not agree more Sir. It's also my way of seeing submissive woman. She doesn't have to be weak, insecure girl, who seeks attention to feed her low self-esteem. It should be on the other way around. She should be proud of who she is, secure and humble at once, but generally I view her as very strong one, as it takes huge strength to give in total control over her, to trust fully and love unconditionally.
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